What is parts work?
To start, I usually joke with my folks that if this sounds “hippy-dippy-trippy” or very “therapisty,” bear with me. It's really useful stuff, even if at first glance it can feel a little odd. (“Why would I talk to myself?”) Many of us have heard of nurturing our inner child. That's one example of parts work in action.
When we talk about “parts work,” this is essentially a means of putting a name to aspects of our nervous system that arise in certain situations. For example, when a youngest adult child goes home at Thanksgiving and is treated as “the baby” even though they are forty years old—that person may act and feel differently (say, “middle school part”) than when they are leading a meeting at their job (“perfectionist part”). And they may act differently at their job (“perfectionist part”) than when they attend a concert (“rebellious and fun part”). All of these “parts” of a person are the same person, simply different self states and different patterns of feeling and responding.
So through a clinical lens, if I have a person who is typically able to stand up for themselves, yet who goes into a place of freezing and shame when they are in conflict with an authority figure, there may be some work we can do with that fearful part. This may be a part that long ago learned to deeply fear authority (mean sports coach? always the “problem kid” in school?), and we need to work through that.
Sometimes parts installed in our childhood try to help in the present in ultimately unhelpful ways. Let's say as a child you grew up without enough food to eat (so food = safety), and now there is a part of you that wants to make sure you have a stocked pantry all the time. The problem is, you're spending a lot of money and some of the items go out of date before you can use them. This might be a chance to do parts work with that inner child part—showing that part of yourself that you are safe in the here and now.
Let’s review some starting strategies.
Present time orientation. Showing that fearful part of you that you are in fact currently safe. Sometimes this is sitting down with that part of you (however you picture that part) and having a conversation. For example, “I know it was really hard when you were growing up. And today, we are grown and we're able to protect ourselves.”
Sometimes it is “inviting” that part to be present as you notice your safety—so for example, “hey younger me. Let's open up this cabinet together. Take a look with me. I promise there's enough food here. And we have enough money that I can get more food when I need to.”
Relationship building. Let's say a person has a part of them they absolutely detest—a part that comes out under stress and is explosive with people they care about. Or an inner critic part of them that tells them all the bad things about themselves (inner critic work can be parts work too). Often people tell me, “I just wish I could get rid of that part of me.” The problem is, that's a part of you for a very important reason. Sometimes inner critic or self-bullying parts are working to protect us from failure, or to say the unkind things about ourselves before someone else gets a chance to. This goes back to how target behaviors are not actually the problem—they are an ineffective solution to the problem. Same with these parts of ourselves that freeze us, or belittle us, or repeatedly leave us feeling unsafe even though we know factually that things are fine. These are parts that are stuck in and informed by past experiences, which is why we need to befriend them and show them up-to-date information.
Assigning a new job. Talking to that part of you that engages in unhelpful behavior to see if there is a different “job” it could do. “Okay anxious part. I see you making lists about everything and double-checking everything, and while I appreciate your efforts to protect me and keep me prepared, I would love it if you could take a step back on some of that stuff. I find that actually increases my feelings of anxiety. When you're feeling anxious, can you let me try [mindfulness, exercise, acceptance, self-reassurance] instead?” Or, “Hey bully part. I hear you trying to keep me in line and make sure I get everything done by insulting me. That was definitely something that helped me get through high school and helped me follow rules and avoid punishment from my parents when I was younger. But things are different now. Can we experiment with letting those mean thoughts go for a couple days to see if maybe I can do good work without all that negative judgment?”
The reason parts work goes deeper than just challenging negative thoughts is because you're acknowledging the “why” of that part of you. You're validating that at one point, this was the only coping that you knew, and it did sometimes work in the short-term. You're acknowledging that this part of you (like all parts of you) is trying to help in some way, and instead of shutting it down, you're redirecting.
When you simply say, “that's a negative thought and actually I'm smart/capable/good enough,” that's talking at that part, and it's very easy for the negative side of you to say, “yeah you're just lying to yourself” or “yeah that's the easy way out.” When you are able to validate yourself fully, not just the parts of you that you like, then you can bring your whole being to the table in collaboration instead of trying to block something out.
If this post was informative (or just confused you further!), and you'd like to see how parts work could apply in your situation, I offer in-person therapy in Huntersville, NC, and online therapy in NC and SC. Thank you for the time you invested reading this.
